According to a recent news article that you can read at the NY Post site, there are some people who have lost their minds about parenting in our society. What is worse is that they have pushed someone who was trying to do what was right into apologizing for doing the right thing. The gist of the story goes this way: a father was going to take his son out to eat (Not so bad yet). The boy didn’t want to go to that restaurant and threw a tantrum (Ever been there). The boy wanted to go to McDonald’s (No big surprise there). What should a good parent do? Reward the tantrum? I’ll be honest this father was much softer than I tend to be. He told the boy they could go anywhere except McDonald’s or not eat. See I would say forget it you can have a sandwich at home. This boy chose to make his stand ‘take me to McDonald’s’. Do you know why he made the stand? Because he knew he would win (Only he didn’t win, everyone lost). At this point in the standoff mom comes to the ‘rescue’ and takes Junior to McDonald’s just like he wanted.

  Now mom who was the ‘bad’ parent in this sequence of events is in court trying to have the father found unfit because he wouldn’t give in to the kid’s hissy fit. The father has been beaten down to the point that he is quoted in the story as saying that he wished he had taken the boy to McDonald’s. Now this is a divorce / child custody battle and I am sure that there are many other things involved, but this part is pretty simple no one wins when selfish childish outbursts are rewarded and not disciplined. What do you think about it? - jp

What is the difference between hurting someone and harming them? Would you rather hurt your children or harm them? Do you allow your own pain avoidance to cause you to harm those you love.

We recently took our 11 month old twins for a minor surgery. It hurt them. I know it did. I sometimes spank my children for their disobedience and the whole point is for it to hurt, or it won’t do any good. My son has chores to do including mowing which sometimes causes him sore muscles and even the occasional blister that hurt him. The problem is that our society has equated hurt with harm and they are not the same. The saying used to be “no pain, no gain”, but now we try to avoid pain at all costs. The fact is that all of the things above are beneficial to our children. Even though those things did hurt they are not harmed by those things.

Think about it this: Have you ever had a cavity so bad that it gave you a toothache and you had to go to the dentist to get it pulled, filled, or a root canal? Most of us have. When you went to the dentist did it hurt? Sure it did. There was a shot and the drilling or prying, the tingling and sore jar, the place where you bit your tongue or cheek while everything was numb, etc. Did the dentist do something that hurt you? Yes! Did the dentist do anything that harmed you? No! The dentist tried to help you.

Let’s go back about 6 months to a year before the visit to the dentist’s office. You ate 12 little candy bars, a half cheesecake, a bag of jelly beans, a bucket of ice cream, etc. and then forgot to brush and floss. Maybe you did something like that once a week or once a month. Did it hurt? No! It tasted good and you felt that sugar rush. Life was going good, right? Wrong! That was what harmed you. Those were the things that caused the cavity that wound up hurting so badly.

Now let’s conclude. In the process of the whole “I can’t stand to make the kids cry”, I just can’t bring myself to spank them because I will hurt them”, “I don’t want to make them work, they have to be kids”, “If I make them go to church they will hate it”, etc. kind of mindset, we are metaphorically feeding the kids sugar and sending them to bed without brushing their teeth. There are different kinds of abuse. One is the physical abuse of beating and other harm done to children, but the other is much more subtle. It is a spiritual abuse where children are not disciplined and do not learn respect for authority, do not mature, and do not learn self-control. We are trying to avoid hurting them, but wind up harming them in the long run. We blame it on love, but true love is willing to discipline now even though it causes pain to avoid the harm of the future. That is the example God gave fathers and we need to follow His example. 

Proverbs 13:24  He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.

Deuteronomy 8:5-6  Thou shalt also consider in thine heart, that, as a man chasteneth his son, so the LORD thy God chasteneth thee.  (6)  Therefore thou shalt keep the commandments of the LORD thy God, to walk in his ways, and to fear him.

Hebrews 12:6-7  For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.  (7)  If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?
-jp

Think about this quote for a minute: “Anytime we think the problem is ‘out there’, that thought is the problem. We disempower ourselves.” I read this and my first thought was: But there are problems out there. Then I thought about it a little more and realized the author was not saying that external problems don’t exist, rather that the problems we need to address are inside us. If everyone else was just like me there would be problems out there, so I need to work on my problems as a worker, Christian, husband, father, son, etc. In every role of my life there are things I need to do to make my life and the lives of those around me better.

Instead of griping about everyone else it is time for me to do what I can do and leave the rest up to God. Reportedly written in 1100 AD by an unknown monk, the following describes the fallacy most of us make. 

               When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it was difficult 
               to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn't 
               change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the town and 
               as an older man, I tried to change my family. Now, as an old man, I realize the 
               only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had 
               changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I 
               could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the 
               nation and I could indeed have changed the world."

It is always easier to look for fault and place blame with everyone else, but it is much more effective to take responsibility for ourselves. I think about the recent brouhaha about Victoria’s Secret’s marketing campaign. It didn’t really affect me because I don’t shop there and I don’t go to the mall. It didn’t really affect my wife or my kids because they don’t shop there or go to the mall. If enough people who did shop there and were offended by it would stop shopping there the policy would change instantly. It is convenient to blame the evil corporation that is corrupting young people, but honestly, no business that wants to stay in business (and certainly not a national brand) creates an entire product line without having studied what will sell and what their target audience wants to buy. Sometimes they miss, but most of the time they know what the consumer wants. I can guarantee that some of the people who have screamed the loudest about the problems with that product will not change their own shopping habits or those of their family over the issue, and the young daughters of some of them will be wearing the things they griped about. What about you and me? Not necessarily about this specific thing, but in all areas of life. Do we change the way we live to reflect the principles that we hold to be true, or do we change our principles to fit in with those around us? - jp

If our children are going to remain faithful to God in a time of trials and persecution there are some things we have to do to prepare them for something we have never faced before. One of those things is . . .
Build Boundaries

I can’t draw boundary lines for your family and you can’t draw them for mine. That is hard for us because we wouldn’t believe what we do if we didn’t think it was right, but there must be room for the authority God has given fathers and mothers to decide what is best for their children. We need to support each other’s right to draw lines for our own families and defend those who are persecuted for drawing lines in their lives even if we do not draw the same line. There are some things that are a matter of conscience and for someone to violate his conscience the Bible calls sin (1 Corinthians 8:10-12; 1 Peter 2:19). We must study Romans 14 and 1 Corinthians 8 and realize that God has given certain authority to the father of the family and not the church to decide some things. For example: I have decided with my wife that our children will not be allowed to spend the night with friends where we are not present. Based on our own experiences and other dangers that we know exist we are not willing to allow that. You may not agree or even understand why we have made that decision, but that doesn’t matter, you should respect the right of our family to decide that. There are other things that do not always make sense to others looking in from outside, but that are an important part of one families rules. When I was young I would go to a friend’s house and when we came in the door his mother would tell us to take off our shoes. My family never did that, but at their house I did because it was their rule. It never made much sense to me at the time, but looking back I realize that since they lived on a farm there were probably some pretty nasty things on those shoes that they did not want tracked all through the house.

God never gives a responsibility to someone and makes them accountable to Him unless He has also given that person the authority and power to fulfill the responsibility. When God tells husbands and fathers that they are the head of the house they have the power, authority, and information necessary to fulfill that responsibility and will be held accountable with what has been entrusted to them. If fathers (or mothers for that matter) shirk their responsibility they will have to answer to God for that. What are you doing to lead your family in the right direction?

So where will your family draw the lines? Only you can answer that, but let me give you some questions to consider. 

1. Has your family drawn lines regarding use of language (Cursing, lying, using God’s name in vain, etc.) that are not to be crossed?
2. Has your family made boundaries in the sexual arena (dating, premarital sex, flirting, sexting, etc.) for your self, spouse, children maturing into adulthood?
3. Has your family set guidelines for time usage (things that are a waste of time and shouldn’t be done, things that must be done before others, activities with time limits, etc.) that help everyone in the family be productive?
4. Has your family determined out of bounds markers on money matters (amounts to save, give and spend, discussion between husband and wife before spending, budgeting, kids’ spending, what kinds of things should never be bought, etc.) to avoid materialism, affluenza, poverty, greed, government dependence, etc?
5. Has your family fenced off negative entertainment and fenced in positive entertainment to keep minds pure and attitudes positive?
6. Has your family defined proper and improper behaviors in your home and in public?
7. Has your family determined what is a sufficient reason to miss worship or other spiritually beneficial activities?
8. Has your family decided what teachings or practices would cause you to leave one church for another?
9. Has your family outlined priorities based on principles you believe are most important?
10. Has your family clearly marked the limit of government interference, intrusion, coercion, etc. that you will allow before saying we must obey God rather than man? 
11. Has your family drawn a line in education (safety, things taught, private school cost, home schooling, etc.) about what you will or won’t allow for your children?

There may be other areas that you need to consider, and if so, consider them and make a decision. As in many other areas of life, so in the area of drawing boundary lines: not deciding is deciding not to. If you don’t build the walls and draw the lines someone else will do it for you and you may not like the results. Remember that there may be new information that could change some things for your family, so the things you have put down need to be reviewed an a regular basis to make sure they are still in line with your family culture and values as well as your knowledge and understanding of the Bible. For example: as you learn and grow as a Christian some things that you once allowed you may realize should not have been allowed, but other things that you were dogmatic about you may realize were family traditions and not Biblical principles and you may want to go a different direction from the way your parents or grandparents or siblings went. - jp

      Are you looking for some good, clean, family fun? I wanted to let you know that we are going to start a new blog on the Build Your Wall site. The new blog will be to present family friendly alternatives to the popular entertainment of the day. We will have movie reviews, book and game reviews, maybe even ideas for a fun, educational, family night. We will start by putting up video reviews of some movies that are positive over the next few weeks. There are a multitude of possibilities and no telling what will be added. Look for the new page to be added this week. It will be called Shameless Fun.

One more short note, encourage your wives to check out my article for wives at Come Fill Your Cup. http://comefillyourcup.com/2013/03/27/be-the-wife-your-husband-needs/

We are a weird family! That is one of our goals so it is no surprise that we have hit that goal. One area where we have aimed to be strange is in the area of entertainment. We avoid shows, even Disney cartoons that teach messages that we don’t want to fight against constantly. We push what would be called edutainment by many people. Digger Doug, Bible shows, Bound, etc. We listen to Bible songs or an educational type book-on-CD when we are in the car.

Tonight, scary success, we were going to play a game together, but as I sit typing this instead of a game my 11- and 8- year-olds are watching a show they begged to watch. Is it a cartoon? No. Is it a children’s show? No. They both begged to watch one of Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University classes on DVD. 

We want them to learn to handle money from the beginning so they don’t have $45,000 in debt to work their way out of as adults like we did, but we didn’t really think they were that interested yet. Normal is broke, weird is better. It is not just in this area that we want to be weird. I just hope we are making as much of an impact in other areas.

What are some of the successes you have had in your family? - jp

I remember the first time I could run faster than my dad. It was exhilarating to be able to beat him, but it was also the beginning of my realization that he was not perfect. There was something I was able to do better than him and as I matured and he aged there became more of those things physically. There will come a time, most likely, when there will be other things that he cannot do that I will have to help him with, and that will be an adjustment as well. 

There was a time when I realized that he was not only physically vulnerable, but spiritually imperfect as well. I don’t remember the exact moment that occurred, but one event that imbedded it within me was when he apologized for provoking me to wrath. 

At some point our children will notice that we have problems and are not perfect people. It is better if we own up to it and show them how to confess and repent and grow instead of putting on airs. One of the things that causes problems is the old idea that you should never have to say you’re sorry, especially to those you love. With all due respect, in fact probably more respect than is due, that is ignorance run amok. The people we love should be the first that we apologize to when we have hurt them. 

Some people are afraid that they will lose the love and respect of their children if they admit their problems and weaknesses. The truth is that when you are a fake and a hypocrite you lose respect. Children will see through the pretending and even though they may continue to love their parents they will not respect them. Jesus said that the truth will set you free. Just be honest with yourself, your spouse, and your children. - jp

Based on learning from mistakes that we covered last week, I want to give you fathers out there something to consider for your family. This is also something that goes hand in hand with the Building Boundaries subject that we looked at in the series Behind Enemy Lines. Knowing who you are, where you are, where you want to be, and how to get there and stay there is important for growth individually and as a family. It is ineffective to sit around telling everyone else what they should do and not being willing to make changes yourself. I am posting a generic form of questions to ask yourself and each other member of the family. You have to start with yourself first, then your spouse and then the children. If you want your children to fly higher than you have ever reached you have to show them the possibility by flying higher than you have in the past to give them hope. Many children with great potential are dragged down by the downward, negative pull of their parents. 

As you look at these questions you will notice that there is a paragraph at the beginning of the wife’s section. This was written for my wife and is specific to our situation, so if you use this you will need to rewrite that to fit your family. Notice that it is full of compliments, looking at what we have accomplished, and putting out the hope that we can do even more. When you talk to your wife (or even children) about these things do it with a positive spirit of hope for the future to be better than the past and present. If you point out problems, start with the things you have done wrong, with a spirit of humility, not in arrogance or with finger pointing and blaming. Remember that as the husband and father God holds you accountable and responsible for your family’s direction and propulsion.

You will also notice generic phrases like ‘each son’ or ‘each daughter’. Personalize these and answer the questions for each one individually, not as a group. You may need more space than what is provided. In my original I have a separate page for each child with their names on the appropriate questions. Obviously, these questions will not be grasped by small children, and even some school-aged children may need some prompting or explanation. 

This is not something to do one time and stick in a file somewhere, it is like a map or set of directions that must be revisited regularly to make it to your goal. Don’t forget, you are going somewhere you have never been before. At each turn we need to adjust our vision. If my directions are to go 10 miles and turn right on highway 1, then go 3 miles and turn left on highway 2, etc. Once I have made the turn on highway 1 it would be foolish for me to think that I should drive 10 miles and look to turn right on highway 1. Once we have done that step we have to move on to the next step. We need to come back to our goals and visions to see what we have accomplished and how the future may look different. Goals for a 4 year-old are very different from goals for a 14 year-old. Goals for a newlywed couple are different from the goals of a couple with 4 young kids or a couple with grown kids or a couple with grandkids. 

Feel free to download these questions below and use them to help point you in the right direction.
jp

This is a hard one. I have to face my own failures and see how they are being magnified in my children. For as long as I can remember I have had a sarcastic streak. I tend to mock things and not take things seriously. Since before we were married I have made a habit of interrupting my wife when she was trying to share something with me, and it was usually a rude or disparaging comment. She has tried to tell me that it is a character flaw that needs work for years and I just laughed it off. “That’s who I am, you knew it when you married me.” Sometimes I would say “yeah, yeah no big deal, I’ll stop” (for 5 minutes). I just thought it was a personality quirk, my sense of humor and something she should get used to and laugh at too. Our son has learned the lessons that I have lived quite well, and I now see what my wife saw in me that I never could. It is always easier to se faults in others, but it is tough when the faults you see are your own reflected in the mirror of your children’s actions. What have you seen in your children that reminded you of a negative trait in yourself?

I felt it so strongly when my son responded in a rude and interrupting way when we were trying to have a serious time. He had been silly and when I corrected him his flippant response kindled my anger. I literally felt a strong desire to smack him right in the mouth and told him that was how I felt. It was not until the next day when I was being my normal annoying self that my wife’s anger finally exploded at me and I finally put two and two together. I can be a bit slow sometimes. I apologized for years of misbehavior and failing to love my wife as Christ loved the church. I had thought that because I did all sorts of little kindnesses, like washing some dishes, that this little thing didn’t matter, but this one unloving behavior was more than all the other good things put together. While all those little things whispered ‘I love you’, this one was constantly screaming “I love belittling you”. Now I was seeing clearly and seeing my son doing the same things. He was being rude and interrupting his mother and me, and he had been doing these things for a while.

I have a long road ahead and so does my son, but we are helping each other. We had a long talk about respect and how God wants us to behave toward those we love. I explained that the reason I had gotten so angry at him was because he had been acting like me. The fact that he is a young Christian also gives some extra weight to the discussion. We are not just a father and son working to get rid of bad habits that have been allowed to flourish too long, but also Christian brothers trying to encourage the best in one another.

I was reading about the idea of making your ceiling your children’s floor. I don’t want my son to be 40 before he learns to treat his wife with the proper respect, I want him to start right from the beginning. Now if I say something rude he helps remind me and I help him remember, too. When we work as a team we have a better chance of succeeding. Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” More good news is that we are not both weak at the same time, Romans 15:1 tells us, “We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves.” We have identified the problem and know how to solve it. Now all that is left is to do it. - jp

It is good to get advice from people who have traveled the road that you are going to travel. They can warn you of dangers. As the saying goes ‘hindsight is 20/20'. Here is an article from Phil Sanders who has adult children. He looks back at some of the things he wishes he had done better when they were young. You can find more helpful articles at focuspress. - jp

http://www.focuspress.org/files/Articles/July__08_think_pgs_12___13.doc