Now mom who was the ‘bad’ parent in this sequence of events is in court trying to have the father found unfit because he wouldn’t give in to the kid’s hissy fit. The father has been beaten down to the point that he is quoted in the story as saying that he wished he had taken the boy to McDonald’s. Now this is a divorce / child custody battle and I am sure that there are many other things involved, but this part is pretty simple no one wins when selfish childish outbursts are rewarded and not disciplined. What do you think about it? - jp
According to a recent news article that you can read at the NY Post site, there are some people who have lost their minds about parenting in our society. What is worse is that they have pushed someone who was trying to do what was right into apologizing for doing the right thing. The gist of the story goes this way: a father was going to take his son out to eat (Not so bad yet). The boy didn’t want to go to that restaurant and threw a tantrum (Ever been there). The boy wanted to go to McDonald’s (No big surprise there). What should a good parent do? Reward the tantrum? I’ll be honest this father was much softer than I tend to be. He told the boy they could go anywhere except McDonald’s or not eat. See I would say forget it you can have a sandwich at home. This boy chose to make his stand ‘take me to McDonald’s’. Do you know why he made the stand? Because he knew he would win (Only he didn’t win, everyone lost). At this point in the standoff mom comes to the ‘rescue’ and takes Junior to McDonald’s just like he wanted.
Now mom who was the ‘bad’ parent in this sequence of events is in court trying to have the father found unfit because he wouldn’t give in to the kid’s hissy fit. The father has been beaten down to the point that he is quoted in the story as saying that he wished he had taken the boy to McDonald’s. Now this is a divorce / child custody battle and I am sure that there are many other things involved, but this part is pretty simple no one wins when selfish childish outbursts are rewarded and not disciplined. What do you think about it? - jp
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What is the difference between hurting someone and harming them? Would you rather hurt your children or harm them? Do you allow your own pain avoidance to cause you to harm those you love.
We recently took our 11 month old twins for a minor surgery. It hurt them. I know it did. I sometimes spank my children for their disobedience and the whole point is for it to hurt, or it won’t do any good. My son has chores to do including mowing which sometimes causes him sore muscles and even the occasional blister that hurt him. The problem is that our society has equated hurt with harm and they are not the same. The saying used to be “no pain, no gain”, but now we try to avoid pain at all costs. The fact is that all of the things above are beneficial to our children. Even though those things did hurt they are not harmed by those things. Think about it this: Have you ever had a cavity so bad that it gave you a toothache and you had to go to the dentist to get it pulled, filled, or a root canal? Most of us have. When you went to the dentist did it hurt? Sure it did. There was a shot and the drilling or prying, the tingling and sore jar, the place where you bit your tongue or cheek while everything was numb, etc. Did the dentist do something that hurt you? Yes! Did the dentist do anything that harmed you? No! The dentist tried to help you. Let’s go back about 6 months to a year before the visit to the dentist’s office. You ate 12 little candy bars, a half cheesecake, a bag of jelly beans, a bucket of ice cream, etc. and then forgot to brush and floss. Maybe you did something like that once a week or once a month. Did it hurt? No! It tasted good and you felt that sugar rush. Life was going good, right? Wrong! That was what harmed you. Those were the things that caused the cavity that wound up hurting so badly. Now let’s conclude. In the process of the whole “I can’t stand to make the kids cry”, I just can’t bring myself to spank them because I will hurt them”, “I don’t want to make them work, they have to be kids”, “If I make them go to church they will hate it”, etc. kind of mindset, we are metaphorically feeding the kids sugar and sending them to bed without brushing their teeth. There are different kinds of abuse. One is the physical abuse of beating and other harm done to children, but the other is much more subtle. It is a spiritual abuse where children are not disciplined and do not learn respect for authority, do not mature, and do not learn self-control. We are trying to avoid hurting them, but wind up harming them in the long run. We blame it on love, but true love is willing to discipline now even though it causes pain to avoid the harm of the future. That is the example God gave fathers and we need to follow His example. Proverbs 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. Deuteronomy 8:5-6 Thou shalt also consider in thine heart, that, as a man chasteneth his son, so the LORD thy God chasteneth thee. (6) Therefore thou shalt keep the commandments of the LORD thy God, to walk in his ways, and to fear him. Hebrews 12:6-7 For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. (7) If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? -jp If our children are going to remain faithful to God in a time of trials and persecution there are some things we have to do to prepare them for something we have never faced before. One of those things is . . .
Build Boundaries I can’t draw boundary lines for your family and you can’t draw them for mine. That is hard for us because we wouldn’t believe what we do if we didn’t think it was right, but there must be room for the authority God has given fathers and mothers to decide what is best for their children. We need to support each other’s right to draw lines for our own families and defend those who are persecuted for drawing lines in their lives even if we do not draw the same line. There are some things that are a matter of conscience and for someone to violate his conscience the Bible calls sin (1 Corinthians 8:10-12; 1 Peter 2:19). We must study Romans 14 and 1 Corinthians 8 and realize that God has given certain authority to the father of the family and not the church to decide some things. For example: I have decided with my wife that our children will not be allowed to spend the night with friends where we are not present. Based on our own experiences and other dangers that we know exist we are not willing to allow that. You may not agree or even understand why we have made that decision, but that doesn’t matter, you should respect the right of our family to decide that. There are other things that do not always make sense to others looking in from outside, but that are an important part of one families rules. When I was young I would go to a friend’s house and when we came in the door his mother would tell us to take off our shoes. My family never did that, but at their house I did because it was their rule. It never made much sense to me at the time, but looking back I realize that since they lived on a farm there were probably some pretty nasty things on those shoes that they did not want tracked all through the house. God never gives a responsibility to someone and makes them accountable to Him unless He has also given that person the authority and power to fulfill the responsibility. When God tells husbands and fathers that they are the head of the house they have the power, authority, and information necessary to fulfill that responsibility and will be held accountable with what has been entrusted to them. If fathers (or mothers for that matter) shirk their responsibility they will have to answer to God for that. What are you doing to lead your family in the right direction? So where will your family draw the lines? Only you can answer that, but let me give you some questions to consider. 1. Has your family drawn lines regarding use of language (Cursing, lying, using God’s name in vain, etc.) that are not to be crossed? 2. Has your family made boundaries in the sexual arena (dating, premarital sex, flirting, sexting, etc.) for your self, spouse, children maturing into adulthood? 3. Has your family set guidelines for time usage (things that are a waste of time and shouldn’t be done, things that must be done before others, activities with time limits, etc.) that help everyone in the family be productive? 4. Has your family determined out of bounds markers on money matters (amounts to save, give and spend, discussion between husband and wife before spending, budgeting, kids’ spending, what kinds of things should never be bought, etc.) to avoid materialism, affluenza, poverty, greed, government dependence, etc? 5. Has your family fenced off negative entertainment and fenced in positive entertainment to keep minds pure and attitudes positive? 6. Has your family defined proper and improper behaviors in your home and in public? 7. Has your family determined what is a sufficient reason to miss worship or other spiritually beneficial activities? 8. Has your family decided what teachings or practices would cause you to leave one church for another? 9. Has your family outlined priorities based on principles you believe are most important? 10. Has your family clearly marked the limit of government interference, intrusion, coercion, etc. that you will allow before saying we must obey God rather than man? 11. Has your family drawn a line in education (safety, things taught, private school cost, home schooling, etc.) about what you will or won’t allow for your children? There may be other areas that you need to consider, and if so, consider them and make a decision. As in many other areas of life, so in the area of drawing boundary lines: not deciding is deciding not to. If you don’t build the walls and draw the lines someone else will do it for you and you may not like the results. Remember that there may be new information that could change some things for your family, so the things you have put down need to be reviewed an a regular basis to make sure they are still in line with your family culture and values as well as your knowledge and understanding of the Bible. For example: as you learn and grow as a Christian some things that you once allowed you may realize should not have been allowed, but other things that you were dogmatic about you may realize were family traditions and not Biblical principles and you may want to go a different direction from the way your parents or grandparents or siblings went. - jp While listening to Dave Ramsey the other day, he used an illustration about building up strengths. I won't exactly quote him here, but share with you the thoughts that his illustration brought to my mind. He was saying that in our society, we tend to look at weaknesses. How many times did your parents concentrated upon the 'F' (or 'D') on your report card and pretty much ignored the 4 'A's'? Or with your own children, how many times do you 'fuss' solely at a low grade and not even comment about the successes.
In building a wall, if one simply focuses on repairing the breaches, but doesn't spend time shoring up defenses and making the entire wall stronger, the wall will break down everywhere. How does this apply to raising children? Take the time to analyze your child's strengths, give praise and think of ways to make them stronger. What if Mozart's parents had not allowed him to pursue music and had forced him to work on a weak skill? What about Einstein? Or Alexander Graham Bell? Dave Ramsey was saying that when we work on weak areas, we generally only make them mediocre (we should still work on those areas, we can't ignore them), but how wonderful would your child be at a particular thing if we let them focus on their strengths to make them extraordinary? “For we are glad, when we are weak, and ye are strong: and this also we wish, even your perfection.” (2Co 13:9)
I remember the first time I could run faster than my dad. It was exhilarating to be able to beat him, but it was also the beginning of my realization that he was not perfect. There was something I was able to do better than him and as I matured and he aged there became more of those things physically. There will come a time, most likely, when there will be other things that he cannot do that I will have to help him with, and that will be an adjustment as well.
There was a time when I realized that he was not only physically vulnerable, but spiritually imperfect as well. I don’t remember the exact moment that occurred, but one event that imbedded it within me was when he apologized for provoking me to wrath. At some point our children will notice that we have problems and are not perfect people. It is better if we own up to it and show them how to confess and repent and grow instead of putting on airs. One of the things that causes problems is the old idea that you should never have to say you’re sorry, especially to those you love. With all due respect, in fact probably more respect than is due, that is ignorance run amok. The people we love should be the first that we apologize to when we have hurt them. Some people are afraid that they will lose the love and respect of their children if they admit their problems and weaknesses. The truth is that when you are a fake and a hypocrite you lose respect. Children will see through the pretending and even though they may continue to love their parents they will not respect them. Jesus said that the truth will set you free. Just be honest with yourself, your spouse, and your children. - jp Based on learning from mistakes that we covered last week, I want to give you fathers out there something to consider for your family. This is also something that goes hand in hand with the Building Boundaries subject that we looked at in the series Behind Enemy Lines. Knowing who you are, where you are, where you want to be, and how to get there and stay there is important for growth individually and as a family. It is ineffective to sit around telling everyone else what they should do and not being willing to make changes yourself. I am posting a generic form of questions to ask yourself and each other member of the family. You have to start with yourself first, then your spouse and then the children. If you want your children to fly higher than you have ever reached you have to show them the possibility by flying higher than you have in the past to give them hope. Many children with great potential are dragged down by the downward, negative pull of their parents. As you look at these questions you will notice that there is a paragraph at the beginning of the wife’s section. This was written for my wife and is specific to our situation, so if you use this you will need to rewrite that to fit your family. Notice that it is full of compliments, looking at what we have accomplished, and putting out the hope that we can do even more. When you talk to your wife (or even children) about these things do it with a positive spirit of hope for the future to be better than the past and present. If you point out problems, start with the things you have done wrong, with a spirit of humility, not in arrogance or with finger pointing and blaming. Remember that as the husband and father God holds you accountable and responsible for your family’s direction and propulsion. You will also notice generic phrases like ‘each son’ or ‘each daughter’. Personalize these and answer the questions for each one individually, not as a group. You may need more space than what is provided. In my original I have a separate page for each child with their names on the appropriate questions. Obviously, these questions will not be grasped by small children, and even some school-aged children may need some prompting or explanation. This is not something to do one time and stick in a file somewhere, it is like a map or set of directions that must be revisited regularly to make it to your goal. Don’t forget, you are going somewhere you have never been before. At each turn we need to adjust our vision. If my directions are to go 10 miles and turn right on highway 1, then go 3 miles and turn left on highway 2, etc. Once I have made the turn on highway 1 it would be foolish for me to think that I should drive 10 miles and look to turn right on highway 1. Once we have done that step we have to move on to the next step. We need to come back to our goals and visions to see what we have accomplished and how the future may look different. Goals for a 4 year-old are very different from goals for a 14 year-old. Goals for a newlywed couple are different from the goals of a couple with 4 young kids or a couple with grown kids or a couple with grandkids. Feel free to download these questions below and use them to help point you in the right direction. jp
If our children are going to remain faithful to God in a time of trials and persecution there are some things we have to do to prepare them for something we have never faced before. One of those things is . . . Build Boundaries
How far will you go? What will you not do? What will you do? At what point will you do it? Where is the line drawn? The problem we have in many areas of our life is that our boundaries are ambiguous and subjective rather than clearly measurable and objective. We might say, or think, for example, if ________is too bad / gets too bad / gets much worse / etc. then I am going to get mad / do something about it / look at my options / have to think about quitting or leaving / etc. What problems with those kinds of statements can you see? How do we define “too bad” or “much worse”? Instead of those vaguely threatening type statements we need to say something more like: “If there is alcohol at the party I will not go / stay.” or “If there is nudity / cursing / sin glorified / etc. I will not go to that movie or watch that show.” or “If the school teaches evolution / homosexuality / etc. are right I will not let my children continue going to school there.” The building of boundaries is essential for Christians in many areas not just these 3 examples. What a difference it makes when you set a specific boundary that you will not cross! Martin Luther King Jr. said, “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” In our society too many times people don’t stand anywhere even in time of comfort and convenience. How would they ever stand under difficult circumstances. There is also the old saying that the man who won’t stand for something will fall for anything. The Bible tells us to stand in multiple ways multiple times. We are told to be steadfast in 11 verses. We are told to stand or stand fast over 15 times. We are also told to hold fast or hold on another 10+ times. A big problem is knowing where to stand: What are the things that really matter? What is worth spending time, energy, and money fighting? What battlefield is worth dying on and which one should be abandoned? What is worth living for and what is worth dying for? What would be worth losing your soul over? We quickly say, “nothing” to that last question, but if we do not draw lines with indelible ink we will find ourselves erasing lines and drawing new ones a little further away from God each time. God does not change, His law has not changed for 2000 years and won’t change as long as the Earth remains. We discussed in a Bible class recently just how much we have really compromised already. We may not have even realized it, but when a TV show that is supposedly for young children uses God’s name in vain there is a problem. Look at what people who consider themselves Christians accept now that they would not have 50 years ago and it is obvious, but when we look at this year versus last year we don’t see much difference. That is the way Satan works many times, gradually pushing us a little at a time until we are falling off the cliff. Television is one of the easiest to see the difference. 50 years ago: there were no homosexual characters, much less homosexual couples and kisses; adultery was unacceptable, divorce a rarity; there was some immodesty, but nothing compared to today; parents were smarter than their children and disobedience was corrected; there was respect for authority; violence was limited; there was almost no bad language; and although alcohol and cigarettes were present in some shows, no other drugs were used. Compare that with today’s shows and there is a stark contrast, but if we compare 2013 with 2012 it doesn’t seem any worse. In fact, some years it may even seem to get better than the year before. Now consider the federal government’s authority and compare what is demanded now compared to 50, 100, or 200 years ago in this country. Quit looking at last month or last year, but use a wider lens to look at the direction our government has been moving overall from its founding until now. Watching videos like The Silencing of God or America’s Most Pressing Concern may help you see the incredible difference between the principles upon which this country was founded and the principles that are currently driving it away from God and toward destruction. When this country was founded, for example, the freedom of speech was included in the Bill of Rights along with other rights to freedoms like religion, bearing arms, not being searched without reason, etc. In fact, the first amendment in the Bill of Rights says, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.” Compare that with recent laws that restrict speech and attempts to label the condemnation of certain sinful behaviors as hate speech that needs to be punished, or laws that make it more difficult to assemble, especially to protest the Government (like HR 347), without fear of reprisal. How long will churches stand for what God says if they could be sued or if preachers and elders could be arrested for the things that are taught? How long will you continue to support the church if it stands against sin? What would cause you to decide to leave a congregation? The issue we are talking about is one of the reasons that many remain in a congregation that has slowly moved into apostasy. In the 1820's or 1950's it would have seemed unthinkable that congregations full of faithful Christians would ever have to worry about the problems of instrumental music, but 50-60 years after that in the 1870's-80's and now look what happened. It would have seemed impossible to most in the church that there would be a problem in the Lord’s church with women wanting to step outside their God-given roles and take on leadership positions even 30 years ago, but look where we are today. So even though we think the church will not give in on an issue like same-sex marriage, homosexual preachers, or any other controversial area we must realize that some will. What if it is the one where you are a member? What will you do? Will you stay or will you go? At what point will you say it has gone too far? We will continue looking at this concept on an individual family level next time. - jp It is good to get advice from people who have traveled the road that you are going to travel. They can warn you of dangers. As the saying goes ‘hindsight is 20/20'. Here is an article from Phil Sanders who has adult children. He looks back at some of the things he wishes he had done better when they were young. You can find more helpful articles at focuspress. - jp
http://www.focuspress.org/files/Articles/July__08_think_pgs_12___13.doc It is an uncomfortable discussion. There is embarrassment, defensiveness, lying, anger, pride, and a host of other emotions when people discuss any temptation with which they struggle. Those things are multiplied when the discussion is about sexual temptation and sexual sin. We try to avoid the subject and in the process allow it to continue in millions of lives unchecked. We won't talk to our children about the temptations out there and they may already have been exposed and in danger. The devil has used sexuality successfully against: the first man - Adam chose Eve over obedience to God; the strongest man - Samson lost his God-given strength because of Delilah; the most spiritual of men - David was the man after God's own heart, but he fell into lust and bigamy; and even the wisest man - Solomon gathered 1000 women in his harem and they eventually turned his heart from the Lord.
You probably realize that internet pornography is rampant in our society. Hardly a day goes by that there is not a news story about some problem with it. There are computers infected with viruses by it constantly. There are people who lose their jobs and/or their reputations because of it. One man recently was stabbed and killed when his wife caught him looking at child porn(It would be hard to convict her). What can we do to protect our families from this devilish attack? We have talked about Covenant Eyes before and I still believe it is the best way to know what is coming into your household's electronic devices. You can for a small monthly fee set up several accounts for monitoring. It is different from a filter. a filter will simply block access to certain sites and while that may be a good thing in some ways it does not train children to be responsible and choose what is right. With monitoring the muscle of choosing not to go certain places is developed. Our son and I also recently made the choice to quit using Internet Explorer and use Chrome so that we could add an ad blocker. Many of the ads are benign, but many others are inappropriate and of a sexual nature. The ad blocker and use of Chrome limits our exposure to certain things that might be tempting. I am proud of our son for making this choice. I don't know if I would have made the same choice when I was young. One last thing if you still have your head stuck in the sand and think that it won't be a problem for your boys, or you think because you have girls instead of boys it is not anything to worry about here are some recent statistics from Covenant Eyes as well as some additional information on this subject. While it is true that boys and men are much more involved in these sinful activities, girls are not immune. Stats and Information - jp Here is an article on how we define success. What if you get to the top of the ladder only to find that it was leaning against the wrong wall? This article is worth our time and attention. There are many more available at www.focuspress.org - jp
http://www.focuspress.org/files/Articles/July__08_think_pgs_22_23proofedjp_edit.doc |