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It is good to get advice from people who have traveled the road that you are going to travel. They can warn you of dangers. As the saying goes ‘hindsight is 20/20'. Here is an article from Phil Sanders who has adult children. He looks back at some of the things he wishes he had done better when they were young. You can find more helpful articles at focuspress. - jp
http://www.focuspress.org/files/Articles/July__08_think_pgs_12___13.doc
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It is an uncomfortable discussion. There is embarrassment, defensiveness, lying, anger, pride, and a host of other emotions when people discuss any temptation with which they struggle. Those things are multiplied when the discussion is about sexual temptation and sexual sin. We try to avoid the subject and in the process allow it to continue in millions of lives unchecked. We won't talk to our children about the temptations out there and they may already have been exposed and in danger. The devil has used sexuality successfully against: the first man - Adam chose Eve over obedience to God; the strongest man - Samson lost his God-given strength because of Delilah; the most spiritual of men - David was the man after God's own heart, but he fell into lust and bigamy; and even the wisest man - Solomon gathered 1000 women in his harem and they eventually turned his heart from the Lord.
You probably realize that internet pornography is rampant in our society. Hardly a day goes by that there is not a news story about some problem with it. There are computers infected with viruses by it constantly. There are people who lose their jobs and/or their reputations because of it. One man recently was stabbed and killed when his wife caught him looking at child porn(It would be hard to convict her). What can we do to protect our families from this devilish attack? We have talked about Covenant Eyes before and I still believe it is the best way to know what is coming into your household's electronic devices. You can for a small monthly fee set up several accounts for monitoring. It is different from a filter. a filter will simply block access to certain sites and while that may be a good thing in some ways it does not train children to be responsible and choose what is right. With monitoring the muscle of choosing not to go certain places is developed. Our son and I also recently made the choice to quit using Internet Explorer and use Chrome so that we could add an ad blocker. Many of the ads are benign, but many others are inappropriate and of a sexual nature. The ad blocker and use of Chrome limits our exposure to certain things that might be tempting. I am proud of our son for making this choice. I don't know if I would have made the same choice when I was young. One last thing if you still have your head stuck in the sand and think that it won't be a problem for your boys, or you think because you have girls instead of boys it is not anything to worry about here are some recent statistics from Covenant Eyes as well as some additional information on this subject. While it is true that boys and men are much more involved in these sinful activities, girls are not immune. Stats and Information - jp Here is an article on how we define success. What if you get to the top of the ladder only to find that it was leaning against the wrong wall? This article is worth our time and attention. There are many more available at www.focuspress.org - jp
http://www.focuspress.org/files/Articles/July__08_think_pgs_22_23proofedjp_edit.doc My grandfather had a wife and 9 daughters (my mother is the oldest) and no sons. Now that I have four daughters, I begin to wonder if maybe my grandfather, who died before I was born, died young because of an overdose of female hormones in the house. It is hard for us as men to understand women’s emotions and the hormonal swings of their monthly cycle, but it is important for us to do the best we can. My daughters are still quite young, but there is already more daily drama at our house than in many Hollywood studios. My wife is usually pretty level headed and not overly dramatic, but occasionally she gets caught up like all women in the hormonal hurricane.
As the head of the house it is my responsibility to firmly and lovingly keep these problems from getting out of hand. Peter, who was married and raised faithful children - 1 Peter 5:1, gives us one of the keys to a happy relationship with our wives. He says in 1 Peter 3:7, “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” The old G. I. Joe cartoon (1985) used to always end with a scene to teach kids to do right and they would always say, “Now you know, and knowing is half the battle”. Knowledge is power the saying goes. It is essential for us as husbands and fathers to have as much knowledge about the women and girls as possible. We can’t treat our wives’ like one of the guys and we can’t treat our daughters like sons. While we have to be sensitive to the differences between men and women, we can’t allow these differences to be excuses for ugly behavior. I have heard so many times the excuse that PMS made a woman act a certain way that was sinful. It is true that there are challenges for your wife and daughters that you will never fully understand and that you will never face as a man, but the same is true on the other side. As a man there are desires and temptations that your wife will not fully understand. We can’t use gender as an excuse to commit sin, and we can’t excuse sinful behavior in ourselves, our spouse, or our children because of hormones and hormone changes. Jesus went through puberty and still He was without sin, and there is no other hormone effect like puberty. God created us and He knows our limits. He has not allowed us to be tempted, even by hormones, beyond what we can overcome - 1 Corinthians 10:13. If we coddle our daughters, which is sooo easy for fathers to do, they will become spoiled, selfish, moody princesses who make life miserable for everyone around them. That is not what we want and we have to fight ourselves to keep that from happening. - jp James and Dawn Pasley had the opportunity to teach lessons in Pineville, LA during their series on the family. Their topic was 'When a House of 2 Becomes a House of 7'. James' lesson to the men was 'Who Is Building Your Home?'. Dawn's lesson to the women was 'Maintaining Spiritual Growth as the Family Grows Physically'. You can listen to them below or download them. You can also download his outline and resource list or her Powerpoint and resource list. For the Men: Who Is Building Your Home? - James Pasley
For the Women: Maintaining Spiritual Growth as the Family Grows Physically - Dawn Pasley
Preparing Children to Survive Behind Enemy Lines (part 3a)
If our children are going to remain faithful to God in a time of trials and persecution there are some things we have to do to prepare them for something we have never faced before. One of those things is . . . Get that Government is not God As I look back at history when there was a hostile government there seemed to always be a group that wanted to be violent. That is not the answer! We need to teach our children to be the best citizens they can be as long as the government does not call on them to violate God’s teaching, and then to simply refuse to submit to those laws. We will look at this further in the section on setting boundaries. One of the most difficult things for a person who is used to freedom to handle is the loss of that freedom and mistreatment or the violation of their rights. As Christians, however, we must remember that being right with God is more important than having rights with government. Jesus taught peace and submission, not violence and rebellion. Not all who have used the name of Christ have practiced what He both taught and practiced. The Old Testament tells of a time of violence and a physical kingdom that fought with physical enemies and material weapons, but Christ’s kingdom is not of this world because if it were His subjects would fight, but they don’t (John 18:33-37). We have mostly failed to take the peace that Jesus left and implant it in our hearts and minds and the hearts and minds of our children. We must understand that as soon as we take up physical weapons to fight for God’s kingdom, we have betrayed what that kingdom stands for and have become traitors to Jesus and friends to the enemy. Gandhi was quoted as saying, “I like your Christ, but not your Christians. Your Christians are not much like your Christ.” When we act like the world and fuss and cuss and fight and kill we are part of the world and not part of Christ’s body, because His body does not behave that way (1 Corinthians 4:12; 1 Peter 2:23). Jesus warned Peter that those who use the sword will die by the sword (Matthew 26:52), and His true followers have been warning others of this same thing for 20 centuries. One case, certainly not the only one, from the 1400's recorded by Hans Grimm in his book The Course Of The Church Through The Centuries: Reiser had warned in vain against trying to protect churches of Christ with the sword. The Taborites, incensed at the betrayal of the common cause, began the two-front war against those who had capitulated in their own camp and against the crusaders on the borders. They were annihilated near Lipan in 1434 as a military force by the combined forces of their opponents, and about the middle of the century they vanished as a reli- gious party also. We need to listen to those warnings. Other religions may call on their faithful to fight, but Christianity is more precious. Christianity is a faith worth NOT fighting for because fighting violates the faith. We are not terrorists. We fight against spiritual enemies with spiritual weapons and because of that we are no threat to anyone as long as we follow Christ. The wisdom of God’s plan for the church is seen in the way it is capable of surviving through times of turmoil and persecution. The autonomy of the local church with local leadership instead of a central government, the peaceful nature, the teaching to be submissive to the authorities, etc. are all things that make the persecution of the church problematic for a government. A group with a national headquarters that depends on that organization to function will be devastated by a law that affects that group, but if the government wants to shut down or cripple the churches of Christ they will have to come to every town to do it. Remember in the first century the church was large in Jerusalem before Acts 8 when Saul began to make havoc of it and they just scattered to other places, that left Saul having to go from town to town trying to get them. The governing authorities are not God and, therefore, they cannot be everywhere and know everything. We need to learn to focus our minds on Hebrews 13:5-6, God is with us we should never be afraid of what man can do to us. We need to pound this fearlessness, the desire to be weird, the courage to walk away from the fight attitude into our children if we want them to win. The child who has to fit in with the group will not stand against the crowd. jp If our children are going to remain faithful to God in a time of trials and persecution there are some things we have to do to prepare them for something we have never faced before. One of those things is . . .
Get that Government is not God It seems like we as a people are becoming more and more dependent on the government to be there for us, especially the Federal government. I suppose that I honestly lean increasingly toward the libertarian view of things even though there are moral issues involved that I disagree with strongly. The fact is that our government has been growing at an alarming rate and has become truly unsustainable at this point. If something is not done soon the weight of it will fall on the American people and crush them, but this is not even about fiscal problems or bloated programs, or bureaucracy, or the things that people generally talk about when they discuss the problems of government. We are following a path that has led to problems for others in the past. Read one woman’s account of what happened in Austria during WWII. The fact is that there are many people, including some Christians, who have been duped into believing that the government has the right to make laws that it actually does not have the right to make either constitutionally, or according to God’s law. When I asked once, in a Bible class, what we would do if they passed a law that said we couldn’t get together to study the Bible or worship one woman actually said she guessed we would have to quit doing it. Let’s make this clear, no government, not the United States government, not any state or local government, not the United Nations, not a husband, not an eldership, nor any other government is God. Government has no authority except what is given from above, Jesus said as much while on trial with Pilate - John 19:11. In Romans 13:1 Paul reminds us that the government is ordained and authorized by God, not the other way around. Peter and John made it clear that we are to obey God rather than man - Acts 5:29. When discussing Obamacare and the mandate to provide funding for the abortion pill, at least one Christian said since it didn’t affect churches it didn’t matter to us and that businesses had to do what the government said, even non-profit religious charities and Christian colleges. That is not true, and I for one am glad that there are some companies like Hobby Lobby that are fighting it and refusing to obey it. Understand that just because they didn’t try to force it on churches this time does not mean they won’t soon, speak up while you can. I am often reminded of the quote that is attributed in various forms to Martin Niemoeller. There is also a growing percentage of our population that depends on government for day to day existence rather than on God. Money is a tool the government has used effectively in only one way – to get people addicted to the next handout. What if the government completely shut down tomorrow? There would be chaos, theft, murder, and rioting in the streets next week when half the people in the U.S. who get a monthly check and/or other benefits didn’t receive them. What about you? Are you depending on the government or God? Even those in private business might have some serious cutbacks if those on welfare and social security did not get their money to spend. There would be a massive ripple, a tsunami, throughout the economy. Someone took the 23rd Psalm and changed it to reflect the thinking of many who believe “The Government Is My Shepherd”. It has been around for years and there are several variations, this is a recently updated version of it. There is an increasing ignorance about the role of government and the history of our government. People today have completely perverted the founders’ intentions with their talk of the separation of church and state. Originally, the idea was to protect the church, religion, and Christians from the federal government. Read the amendment in the Bill of Rights and you will see that it clearly says that congress(federal government) shall make no law establishing a religion or prohibiting the free practice of religion. There was actually nothing about local laws regarding religion, in fact several of the states had recognized churches. The point was not to allow the entire nation to have only one church as had been done in England. Consider the way that worked in the past, the Mormons were not welcome in many of the established states, so they went west and established their own in what is today Utah. That state is still strongly Mormon, but their laws have changed as others moved into the area, voted, ran for office, etc. There was a time when in Missouri a city was established for atheists. It was named Liberal and the goal was that no church building would be built there. Eventually the founder of the city became a Christian himself according to Wikipedia. Now there are at least 7 religious groups there. You can read more about this failed experiment in an article by Apologetics Press. That is what freedom is about and to some degree what was intended (although the founders had no use for atheism or any religion other than Christianity - for more on these views consider the videos The Silencing of God and America’s Most Pressing Concern available from World Video Bible School). Those kind of things could not happen today. If a group of religious people of one stripe or another decided to have a town of their own and not allow others, it would be attacked in the courts as soon as it was known. It has gotten to the point that if one person doesn’t like it he can scream about it and get any religious thing thrown out of town. You see, the truth is not afraid to stand toe to toe with a lie because it can win, but the lie can’t win in honest debate so it must resort to other means to silence truth and win the day. Today the founders' original plan has been twisted and perverted to protect government and society from religion. As Bible believers, we know that God does not call us to go live in isolation with only other believers, we are to be the light of the world and the salt of the earth. Both light and salt are more clearly evident in circumstances where there is not much. Turn on a spotlight out in the sunshine and it would barely be noticed 10 feet away, but light a match in the darkness of a cave and everyone there can see it. Put some salt in a salt shaker and you may not notice, but put some on bland vegetables and it makes them edible. Because our country has been one that taught morality and had many religious people of various denominations who were living basically good lives but were confused on certain doctrinal issues, the contrast has often not been that great. We are used to agreeing with our neighbors on 90-95% and debating issues of worship, a doctrine about the second coming, etc. That is not the case anymore. If we will truly live for Christ, not just worship Him on Sunday but truly live as He would live, we will stand out from the crowd, we will shine as stars in a crooked and perverse generation - Philippians 2:15. Think about how different the Amish seem to us. Will we as Christians ever seem that different to our neighbors or will we keep doing what the media and government tell us is normal. Normal is being on the road toward Hell, I don’t want to be normal. I want people to think I am strange, the Christians in the New Testament had people thinking they were strange, not because of hair styles or not having electricity, but because they did not get involved in sinful things. Just because it is legal doesn’t mean it is moral. Government approval is not God’s approval. There can be no doubt in our minds or our children's minds that tempts us to believe that government is benevolent, our provider, all-powerful, or our friend. The government that is at odds with and enemies with God and His Law is an enemy to His people as well. We need to know that wherever we live in this world we are living behind enemy lines and in hostile territory among citizens of the kingdom of our greatest enemy, Satan. So what do we do with a hostile government that looks on us as a danger and that we have finally recognized as a danger? How do we react? We’ll consider that further in the next installment. jp If our children are going to remain faithful to God in a time of trials and persecution there are some things we have to do to prepare them for something we have never faced before. One of those things is . . .
Train them to Love the Lord This one is incredibly difficult to measure. We all know that Christians should love the Lord and that we should raise our children to love the Lord. We all admit that we should love the Lord more than we do, if we are honest. Unfortunately, there is no love tester that we can connect to ourselves or our children to see if there is enough love to remain faithful during times of persecution, so what do we do? I wish there was an easy answer, a pill they could take or one action that would ensure it, but it is hard. There are several factors that I have seen as I have watched over the years and seen who remained faithful in these peaceful times. These factors may give us a clue to who is more likely to remain steadfast in their love when they are under fire from the enemy. Obviously, regularly and consistently gathering with the church as a family has to be near the top of the list. Sending the kids is not very effective, and occasional attendance won’t work either. Few from those two patterns will ever become faithful. I can remember one mother coming to the elders of a church to beg them to do something about her son who was getting into trouble, the problem was she had never bothered to bring him to church more than once a month for the 15 years before that no matter how much they had pleaded with her. Church attendance is not sufficient alone, but dedication to assemble with the saints unless physically unable helps them understand the position of preeminence that God has and should have in our lives. If parents routinely allow other things to interfere with going to worship God, children will not value worship or God as they should. Dedication is not love. You can’t have love without dedication, but you can have dedication without love. How many people are dedicated to paying their bills? Does that mean they love the bills or the companies that send them? Of course not. There are many who are dedicated to their jobs that they hate and go to work every day either because they need the income and/or benefits for their family, or because they can’t find a better one. There are some who go to church religiously and hate it. They may afraid of Hell, want the reward of Heaven, want approval of someone there, or simply be carrying out their duty, but they don’t love worship, God or the church. No, attendance is not love. You can attend without love, but you cannot love without coming to worship the God you love. The church is Christ’s bride. What would you think of a bride who had not seen her husband all week, yet when he came home she found other things to do and did not spend that time with him? Sounds like a miserable marriage to me. Simply from a knowledge perspective, coming to 4 hours per week of Bible study and worship that really involves about 2 hours of actual learning time will produce the equivalent of a high school education in approximately 95 years. I doubt you will live long enough to get that diploma. Of course knowledge is not love, but knowledge of God and His love for us should prompt a return of love - 1 John 4:19. Some other factors that can’t be forgotten are: * Family devotional time. - Don’t let the kids think that God only lives at the church building. God has to live at your house too. * Individual devotional time. - A leader can’t lead where he is unwilling to go. The closer you get to God, the closer those following you will get to God. * Love. - God loved us to show us what love is or we never would have known. Love your children so they can see what love is. Love your spouse so they can see what marital love should be. Love your neighbor so they can see loving servitude. Love your enemies so they can see how hard it was for God to love us when we were enemies toward Him. Love God so they can see loving worship. Be sure that your loving actions and words are according to the scriptures. * Teach the why. - Why do we go to church? We go to worship God because we love Him. Why don’t we ______? God loves us and has told us doing that would hurt us and Him. Since we love Him we don’t want to hurt him, and since we know He loves us we trust Him not to want us hurt. Tell them why Jesus came and suffered to save us – because He loved us. Tell them why God created us – because He is love and wanted to share that love with beings who could return it. If we spend too much time on the how to and the what to Christianity will be a tradition of rituals that have no meaning and that our children may practice, but without love. * Spend time on God. - Let’s compare the amount of time each week that is spent on some different things. Learning Math - 3 ½ hrs. in class plus homework; The same for other major school subjects; Watching tv (live, recorded, movies, dvd, etc.) - average is 25-35 hours, about 4 hours a day more if you add computers, phones, etc.; Reading or being read to - average 3-4 hours, about 30 minutes a day; Praying? Bible Reading or Study? Talking with parents? How much time does your family spend on spiritual things? Where your treasure is there your time will be also, to turn a phrase. Make religious and spiritual and moral and ethical discussions part of your daily life with your children. It is scary the first time your 5,6,or 7 - year old child asks what “gay marriage” means, but it is an opportunity to discuss the creation and how God made male and female and never wanted 2 boys or 2 girls to try to make babies, etc. It can be a jumping off point to discuss marriage and how there should be 1 man with 1 woman for life and how Christ has one wife, the church. You can discuss how serious it is when someone loves Jesus so much that they want to be part of the church. On the other hand, if you say “we don’t talk about things like that”, they will eventually find out from someone who does talk about it and chances are that person will have many corrupted ideas to share. Remember Deuteronomy 6:1-9 * Ask and listen. As parents we are quick to tell children things they should know, but we are slow to listen to what their thoughts are about things. They don’t understand things that we take for granted and that can be confusing to them when we are talking. They may be embarrassed to admit that they don’t know what we mean when we have just rattled something off and then finished by saying “DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?” It takes a brave child to say “no”. We need to ask them questions that open up the discussion and let us understand what is inside them. Use why, how, what, where, when, who, and which to get them to tell you what they are feeling and thinking. It takes practice, but communication is increasingly important as they grow up. They are going to talk to someone and if it is not you it may be someone you don’t want it to be. Also, if they don’t feel comfortable talking to mom and dad they won’t feel comfortable talking (praying) to God. I know that this just barely scratches the surface, but it will keep us busy trying to do these simple, yet hard things. Did you notice what all of them have in common? Every single one requires your time and effort. That is the key ingredient. The TV won’t teach them to love Jesus, school teachers won’t teach them to love God, even the church can’t do it without your help. It takes time to raise a garden, but weeds grow by themselves. It takes time to raise children in the way they should go, but a child left to himself will bring shame. jp It is not Friday, but this is a sign that I am catching up on the work that I got behind on with the twins coming.
I haven’t had a post the last few weeks, because I have been too busy being a new father, again. Two days short of our 18th anniversary my wife began the process of giving birth to our 4th and 5th children. You might think that everything would be easier after years of experience, but the fear that I am too old to have babies to raise, especially twins, when others my age are sending their children off to college this fall hits hard. I know people older than us have had babies, but I still have to wrestle with the doubts of whether we are up for another 18-20 years. I know the Bible says two are better than one, and there is no doubt that is true with twins. Two are better at using up diapers. Two are better at dirtying clothes and burp cloths. Two are certainly better at eating more. The thing two are probably best at is keeping you up all night because for some reason each one can sleep while the other keeps mom and dad awake and then they can swap. The good news is there are two of us as well and that is better. I know there are single parents out there struggling to raise kids and many of them are extraordinary people doing an extraordinary job, but God’s plan was for there to be two parents. And, without a doubt it is the best plan. With two, one can sleep while the other tends to the children’s needs. One can work while the other tends to those needs. They can encourage each other not to give up and pick one another up when one falls. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. (10) For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. (11) Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? (12) And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. There are major differences in men and women and in their parenting styles, and children need a man and a woman in their lives to help them be all they can be. One parent homes and homosexuality are highly correlated even if it has not been shown that there is a definite cause and effect. (That is not to say that there are not homosexuals who come from two parent homes.) The likelihood of drug and alcohol abuse, sexual immorality of all kinds, and criminal activities of various kinds is dramatically higher with children of single parent homes. As a father, if you have children make sure you are an active part of their lives if at all possible even if you are no longer with their mother. Even if you have not left your family as many men have it is possible that you are only present physically and not socially, morally, emotionally, and spiritually. Kids need dads! In the Bible whenever we read of a father who was not around much or was not involved for whatever reason, problems resulted. Look at Eli, Samuel, David, etc. When God sent His Son to Earth, He surely chose the best woman to be the mother for Jesus, but He did not expect her to do it alone. He miraculously made sure that there would be a good, godly man in Jesus’ life. Even though Jesus was not Joseph’s flesh and blood, Joseph raised Him and helped make it possible for Him to live a perfect adult life. Whether it is a step-father, grandfather, uncle, or close family friend, a godly, masculine influence is healthy and beneficial for both boys and girls. Studies have shown the relationship between a girl’s relationship with her father and the amount of risky and sexually promiscuous behavior she engages in. Don’t wait get involved now! “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
(Proverbs 22:6) 'Train' is a present tense verb. I got that reminder this week. As mothers, we must find trainable moments in the now. How many times as a mother I put things off and say, “I'll deal with it another day.” This cannot be. I must be in the present, always searching for moments of training value. Time is fleeting. Way too soon, we'll see our children leave our little nests. They will fly into the world and we hope and pray that our training was enough. Dear parents, train them now, before it is too late and they spread their wings into the wide and ugly world. Make your home a haven from the world and a practice field for later in life. Do it NOW! |